User blog:Reebok Commercial/Thoughts
Hi. For those of you who know, I left on Thursday night to the hospital to fully prepare for my ovarian cyst removal that took place on Friday morning. Things went okay. I may have to go back again in the near future to have more things checked out. I am currently at home now, recovering. I am experiencing a lot of physical pain in my lower abdominal area, and it is difficult for me to walk around. My recovery period is about 2 weeks, so after today I'll be taking full advantage of that. The purpose for me writing this blog is to just simply get the thoughts out of my head somewhere, because I really don't have anywhere else to go to write this. I just really needed some sort of outlet because the past few days these thoughts have been eating me up inside. I contemplated making a video of me speaking about my issues, and I might end up doing it sometime to fully elaborate, but I am in no good state to do so. Along with my physical discomforts, I am not in a good place mentally. My mind has been in shambles these last few months. School stress, home stress, and the information about my unfortunate syndrome has caused my mind to completely fall apart. I have broken down a countless number of times. So many times that now I just do not have any energy left to even cry at all anymore. I am not motivated to do anything at all. I don't want to eat, walk, talk, listen to music, or anything. I feel completely numb inside and outside. The things that kept me sane before (music, sports) just do not work. I've lost support from the friends I have in real life. They think I'm crazy. My parents completely disregard the severity of my depressed state. I am constantly scolded by them. They think it's easy for me to just all of a sudden be happy. And I wish it was easy. I wish I weren't numb. I wish I were strong, brave, courageous, smart, everything. But I'm not. All I have ever wanted was to just be good enough for my parents at least. Knowing that you're an only child and you disappoint your parents...it wrecks you in every way possible. People never want to be around me. I've been told this by my parents. No one would want to be around such a "pussy" and a "piece of shit" like me. I'm a nuisance to my family. Venting to them always ends up in me being ridiculed and put down even more. My own mother believes that I'm going to end up alone. These last few years I;ve tried so hard to just prove her wrong. It seems every time I manage to lift my head up just a bit, something just has to come and push it back down to where it belongs. The physical abuse I get from them has recently come to a halt, something I am greatly thankful for. However, I have so many issues with myself that I don't even know where to start. I hate pretty much everything about myself. The most prominent though, is how impulsive I am. I do a lot of things without thinking it through and it always ends up biting me in the ass. My parents yell at me for it, yet they know little of my struggles to fix that about myself. My self image, for example, is yet another thing I despise of me. If you know me, you'd know what I'm talking about. My entire appearance honestly disgusts me. Trivial, yes, but this is a major contribution to my sadness. The paranoia I have is just another thing on my long list of things I hate about myself. I've always felt that people would always prefer to be around everybody else but me. This goes back to my mother basically implanting the thought in my head that no one wants to be around me. I've begun to believe it, unfortuntately. At school, I've always been that friend. The one who just stands around, the one who fills space. Every day I get nervous going out to each break because I am genuinely afraid that my friends may have decided to ditch me that day. It's a fear that I will never get over. People in the past have done that to me. They've just completely left me alone at lunch and knew very well that I had no other people to hang out with. It hurts, and I'm sick of being that person people use at their disposal. I have feelings, and barely any people have treated me like I do. I'm sick of having a fake smile plastered in front of people who I shouldn't have to hide myself from. I've only ever wished to be adequate for people. I'm close to giving up. To everyone, I'm sorry you've had to put up with me being like this. I'm just really so lost and confused with my life. I need the help, but I don't have the resources and honestly I don't even have the drive to get the help I need. TL;DR: I'm not healthy emotionally or physically, I have a lot of things I hate about myself, and I just needed to vent somewhrere. Category:Blog posts